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Shame-free note: Use this article as a starting point, not a scorecard. Take what helps, leave what does not, and come back to the parts that deserve more care.
“Regulate your emotions,” or “Regulate your nervous system.” If you’ve spent even 10 minutes online in the past year, you’ve probably seen this phrase on parenting accounts, in dating advice, and even in workplace leadership posts. Emotional regulation gets tossed around like it’s a simple skill we should all just know how to do, all the time.
But most of us weren’t actually taught what emotional regulation is. We were just taught not to have or express big feelings, especially when it’s inconvenient, messy, or “too much.” So when we talk about “regulating,” the assumption often becomes: stay calm, be quiet, don’t react.
That’s not regulation, that’s suppression. And they’re not the same thing.
The Problem with How We Talk About “Regulation”
There’s a dangerous oversimplification happening in the way we talk about emotions and the nervous system, especially online. Regulation has become synonymous with control, and when people aren’t “regulated” (read: calm, composed, polite), they’re often blamed or pathologized.
But true emotional regulation isn’t about performing calmly. It’s about awareness, flexibility, and the capacity to return to your baseline, especially after being activated.
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, a leading researcher in affective neuroscience, emphasizes that emotional regulation is context-dependent and deeply influenced by our environment and nervous system (Barrett, 2017). It’s not about always feeling good or behaving perfectly, but rather building the internal capacity to navigate what arises.
What Emotional Regulation Actually Looks Like
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), emotional regulation is one of four core skill areas taught, and for good reason. DBT reminds us that emotional regulation doesn’t mean never feeling overwhelmed. It means learning how to reduce vulnerability to dysregulation, increase emotional resilience, and respond rather than react (Linehan, 1993).
In practice, regulation can look like:
- Noticing that you’re getting flooded and taking space before continuing a conversation.
- Naming your internal experience to someone you trust.
- Taking care of your body with sleep, hydration, and nutrition so your nervous system can better support you.
- Moving, breathing, humming, grounding – really anything that helps you shift physiological state.
- Coming back to your values when making a decision under emotional stress.
Emotional regulation is a process, not a performance.
Somatic Tools: The Body Leads the Way
Most of us try to regulate from the neck up. We intellectualize our feelings, try to rationalize our way out of panic, or shame ourselves for having big reactions. But regulation often starts in the body, not the brain.
The somatic practitioners on our team (Meryl, Amanda, and Crystal) help clients reconnect with their bodies to access emotional clarity and safety. Whether it’s through breath work, body-based tracking, movement, or grounding techniques, somatic work helps clients notice what’s happening in their internal landscape before it boils over.
This work is backed by research, too. According to Porges’ Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), our ability to feel safe and connected relies on how well our autonomic nervous system can move between states of activation and rest. Regulation, from this lens, isn’t about faking calm; it’s about rebuilding the capacity for co-regulation, connection, and self-awareness.
Why This Matters in Real Life
When we mistake emotional regulation for emotional perfection, we end up disconnected from ourselves and from each other. We can shame our partners for crying, expect children to behave like adults, or invalidate our own overwhelm because we “should know better.”
But regulation isn’t a moral achievement; it’s a skill set. It’s something we can learn, unlearn, and relearn with help.
That’s where getting support really matters. Whether you’re processing trauma, navigating stress, parenting through chaos, or simply trying to be more present in your relationships, this work is learnable, and it doesn’t have to be done alone.
Work with Our Somatic Team
If this post resonates, and you’re ready to explore what regulation could look and feel like for you, our somatic team is here to support you. Meryl, Amanda, and Crystal each bring a trauma-aware, body-centered, and deeply compassionate approach to their work. Whether you’re new to somatic practices or already familiar, you’ll be met exactly where you are.
Explore sessions with our somatic practitioners here.
References:
- Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, Self-Regulation. Norton.
- Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. Norton.
If you want more writing like this, you can browse my posts on education, relationships, mental health and sex.
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