Anxiety affects quite a few humans on this planet. More & more people are affected as we’re learning with all the furthering research in the mental health field. Maybe even some people that you love and are in a relationship with. It can feel messy to navigate loving someone who struggles with anxiety. This is because we are just starting to talk about the tools you need to do so lovingly and healthily.

How do you love someone through their anxiety? How do you cope with seeing your partner anxious and not able to fix it? What are the most helpful questions and approaches to take? We’re going to cover the best ways to love someone with anxiety. We will also cover how to navigate a healthy, loving relationship that includes mental health struggles— because most do!

Here are five things you need to know if your partner has anxiety:

1. You Can’t Fix It

But you can probably comfort them. One of the most challenging obstacles for the partners of anxious people is feeling helpless. Especially in the midst of their partner’s anxiety. The truth is, there isn’t always a go-to solution that will ease your partners’ anxiety. It may seem like there is a logical solution to you, but that may not help them.

Anxiety is not a behavioral “problem” that “needs to be fixed.” It actually manifests as a physiological reaction in the body. It can feel so hard to think clearly and navigate communicating emotions when really anxious. Sometimes, the act of trying to “fix it” can feel like overlooking the pain and struggle of living with anxiety. So as a partner, what CAN you do? 

The best thing to do is ask your partner what they need. If they aren’t sure, you can give small, gentle examples such as:

• Do you want to be alone right now?
• Would you like to be held?
• Do you want to talk while I just sit and listen?
• Would you like me to just sit with you in silence?

It can sometimes add to the anxiety of an anxious person to have to decide on things when very anxious. Presenting them with ideas, showing them you care, and holding space for them is often more than enough. 

Just like we weren’t taught how to help our anxious partners, people with anxiety weren’t taught that their anxiety isn’t hindering or an inconvenience. Being present in those moments by simply just being there—ready for whatever they may need. This can be incredibly reassuring, supportive, and healing. 

2. The Anxiety Isn’t Always Sparked By Something Specific

One of the most challenging questions to be asked when feeling anxious is, “Why are you anxious?”

It almost implies there needs to be a specific reason for your anxiety to be valid enough. Even though, in many cases, there may not be a specific cause. It generally isn’t sparked by just one thing and sometimes there isn’t anything tangible that sparked it at all. 

Re-framing the question to something like, “Is there something specific triggering your anxiety today, or is it just a particularly rough day with your anxiety?” can feel more comforting to your anxious partner. They feel validated that you’re doing your absolute best to understand them. They know you understand that there isn’t always a rhyme or reason to what they are feeling.

3. Even If It Feels Like It, It’s Probably Not About You— Have Patience

Intense anxiety feels different to each person and therefore also comes across to the people in their lives in different ways. Someone with anxiety can seem or become removed, angry, upset, sad, or hurt. This depends on how it’s manifesting that day and how that person is coping. This can feel confusing to the partner of an anxious person—especially when you want to help them. You may even sometimes feel like it has something to do with you. Know that the large majority of the time, it has absolutely nothing to do with you and isn’t your fault in any way.  

With that being said, the height of an anxious episode is absolutely not the time to press your anxious partner about whether they are upset with you. Have patience until the episode is over and they start feeling calm enough to bring up those topics. I know that it can feel so hard and possibly a bit unfair, but it will only make things worse. 

During the episode, meet them with patience and gentleness and, for the time being, try to self-soothe. Remind yourself that your partner is going through something and that their feelings and actions are not always your fault. It is possible to take care of yourself and your partner at the same time! 

Just like anything else in a relationship, we NEED aftercare conversations. Aftercare conversations help ensure you and your partner get the love and care you each need after something intense. These conversations are necessary — especially if you are in a new relationship, your feelings were hurt, or you need clarification on something. 

Often, we don’t know what we need, what didn’t work for us, or what triggered us until after something has happened. For example, if your partner is having an episode and is very snappy and mean toward you, a conversation you could have after the episode would be telling them, “Hey, I know you were really struggling, but I feel really hurt by how you spoke to me. Could we work together to find a safer, healthier way for you to release those emotions? I am happy to give you space, cuddles, or a listening ear, but I can’t let you take your feelings out on me because it hurts me. Let’s find a solution that makes both of us feel safe.”

4. Let Them Know You Care For Them & That Their Anxiety Isn’t Too Much

When someone is in the middle of a particularly anxious episode, it’s common that one of the lies their anxiety tells them is that their anxiety makes them unlovable. It may even say things like they’re “too much,” upsetting, or an inconvenience. When someone is feeling anxious, they don’t feel like they have much control. So even if they know they are loved, their anxiety tells them they aren’t.

This might look different from person to person. However, as someone with anxiety, it is so reassuring to hear that you aren’t “too much” because of your anxiety. It’s okay to have whatever reaction you’re having (so long as it’s not destructive to yourself or your partner). Additionally, you are loved even when your emotions are messy. Reassuring your partner that you want to hold space for them is one of the most comforting things you can offer.

5. Learn How to Cope 

Our society has conditioned us to think that the word “cope” is almost a dirty word, meaning that something has to be horribly wrong, sad, or hard to learn ways to cope. While those are true, we also often cope in smaller, more everyday ways too, especially if we are in partnership with someone who struggles with their mental health.

First:

Come to terms with the fact that you can’t fix it, but it’s not because you are incapable – it’s because it’s not possible. Anxiety can’t be “fixed.” Anxiety is a way the brain protects itself & is a product of biology & life. Instead, it needs care, attention, and reassurance to be eased. As the partner of an anxious person, that is the kindest, most helpful thing you can do. Not fixing, but existing. 

Second:

Figure out what self-soothing works best for you. It’s hard in the moment to figure out what will help you cope, so try to figure it out ahead of time! Whether it’s a mantra you say to yourself, journaling about it, exercising, or breathing exercises— find something that helps you feel better in your body and provides you a safe mental place to process. When you aren’t able to help your partner(s), it can feel like jumping through confusing mental hoops—but remember, you can help yourself (and by helping yourself, you help your partner!). Keep reminding yourself that you aren’t helpless and that you are needed, even if it’s not in the ways you expect or feel are natural.

Third:

When your partner isn’t feeling anxious anymore, talk about what each of your needs is. They likely won’t be able to meet them when they are feeling anxious, but just because your partner has anxiety doesn’t mean your needs aren’t just as important. They also usually have a hard time communicating their own needs and negotiating how you can help meet them during an anxious moment. The answer? Communicate, communicate, communicate.

If you want more writing like this, you can browse my posts on mental health and sex.

If you want more writing like this, you can browse my posts on education and relationships.